I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
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Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Goat cheese is for herders.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice