My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
You Might Also Like
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it