A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
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*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
What about a To-Don’t List?
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.