This is Damn delicious!馃構馃構馃構
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It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 馃槅
馃幎99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-馃幎Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 馃檨
women are like cars. sometimes there鈥檚 a squirrel living in there
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
*throws away a paper clip I haven鈥檛 used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: 鈾獻’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: 鈾玌nder the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: 鈾獻n an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.