E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
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[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
March 16
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
#Caturday
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
As the Lord intended
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting