Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
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M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.