This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
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If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
yeah not falling for this one
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.