Speak now or ever hold your peace
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Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store