Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
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It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Mmmm canned fish.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now