*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
You Might Also Like
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
Only short people can save us
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.