*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
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When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks