doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
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If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
There is wisdom there.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭