*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
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Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
I’d hang this in my house.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?