If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
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Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
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My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.