Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
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dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
m’lady
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds