Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
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If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”