If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
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I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!