[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
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Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
This story is comedy gold 😂
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.