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Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
yea so i messed up lol
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Respect
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.