FRED: right
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WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish