GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
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Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.