[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
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Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
never forget
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.