8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
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a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
The honesty is refreshing
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it