Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
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I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir