Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
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Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
Happy Taco Tuesday
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
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the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
❤️🦆
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00