A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
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Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Love this one 😂🧟
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.