Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
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Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers