Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
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My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
Best table by far
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat