angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
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[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
podcasts
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.