Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
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How animals would run if they were human
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
My inexpensive home security system…
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Encore…
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
i did the math
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.