Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
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Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
the best thing i’ve ever made