FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
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Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no