It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
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2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Wait a second…
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”