Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
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HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.