8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
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Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit