Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
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In the original ancient Greek Olympic games, many of the athletes competed naked. It made the trampoline a lot of fun, the men’s hurdles not so much.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Chicago sounds lovely.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Twitter: hey, check out this picture of an Australian golfer accidentally hitting a kangaroo
Me: lol *like*
Twitter: so what I’m getting from this is you want your whole feed to be Australian golf news
Me: n-
Twitter: poor showing today from Sergio Clemsworth, hitting +2 at
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Me, adding fuel to the fire: I’m just here to help
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand