anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
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[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.