The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
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Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
i want the dreams to chase me for once
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
This could’ve been an email.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
The struggle is real.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer