Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
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6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Last-minute gift idea!
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
If only
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.