went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
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You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
presenting your incognito window wrapped
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english