*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
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In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation