me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
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I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…