date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
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A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.