GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
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It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”