I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
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4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
Who called them low rise jeans and not Teenage Waistband?
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
I am never leaving this website
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*