I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
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I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.