Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
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-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Noted.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave: