DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
You Might Also Like
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year