What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
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[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.