If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
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cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons